I have a few issues with Rihanna. Mostly that she’s the same age as me, is a multi-millionaire, award-winning recording artist and has achieved more than I ever will.
Also, not to be a prude, but the sex thing. Seriously. No-one needs to hear a song that has the line ‘sex in the air , I don’t care. I love the smell of it.’ Ew.
Yes, you’re a bit sexy. Men like you. But could you stop with this? It’s pandering and it’s even more irritating than the stupidly sexual outfits you wear on stage.
Now, okay, I’ve started this with a negative. I’m sure lots of people would say that Rihanna is just taking advantage of the media, that is declaring that she’s a young woman who loves sex, and that’s her right as a feminist.
Maybe that’s true. Or maybe it’s just another way of creating a sexualised character for men (and women) to fantasise about.
Also, her tunes are catchy. Like, painfully. Rihanna currently has about five singles in the charts at the moment. And for the most part, they’re crazy good tunes.
Until you start singing along. And if you’re like me, you realise you can’t sing all that well, and she’s clearly talented, and you start actually listening to the lyrics.
Because Rihanna is designed to make men feel manly. She’s there as a sex-loving hedonistic dream-girl who is looking for a man to take her over (ohhh, wowooohoooo). She demands things from men, which makes her attractive in a not-nagging-about-leaving-the-toilet-seat-up sort of way.
But actually, she seems to be making the men feel shit about being men, and the women shit about being real women who don’t stand around screaming for rude boys to get it up. It’s like the girl equivalent of walking past a building site.
I mean how much pressure is this:
Rude boy, boy
Can you get it up?
Rude boy, boy
Is you big enough?
Firstly, it’s ‘are you big enough?’, moron, and secondly, jesus, what happened to a little subtlety? Why not just stand there screaming like a drill sergeant: “I want to have sex! Why aren’t you doing it for me? What’s wrong with you? Have you got a problem?”
Jeez. Now that is a high maintenance woman. Or how about this:
I’m a let you
Be a rider
Giddy up, babe
Oh, you’re going to let him. How nice, Ri-Ri. Aren’t you the dominant woman. And thanks for marring the noises of games played as kids ride around on their parents’ backs pretending to get a horse-ride. You’ve made it a creepy sex thing. Again.
And if we’re going to play along with this empowered feminist routine, let me stop you right here:
I want you to love me, like I’m a hot ride
Great, she’s as sexy as a sexy car. Woo. Not pandering to the cliched man. At all.
Cause I’m the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man
Yes. Okay. Because you need your masculinity to proven by some girl wanting to sleep with you. That’s exactly the kind of culture we should be encouraging. Maybe Rihanna’s next song should be called ‘White Van Men Know How I Like It’.
I know, I know, she sometimes does songs that aren’t about sex, and actually, I love it when she goes back to her reggae roots and does that Barbadian thang. Songs about shooting men down and stuff. And actually, Rihanna has done songs that are from surprising viewpoints, such as ‘Ti Amo’ and ‘Cheers (Drink To That)’ where she seems to be singing from a male perspective. So we could give her points for that, I guess.
Except that she defines these manly perspectives by what she’s wearing and who she’s sleeping with. Maybe her next song, just to be completely fair to both sides should be called ‘This crazy hot chick keeps shouting at me to have sex with her and I’m scared’.
Good luck in 2012. Let’s hope there’s a little more dancehall and a little less talk about smells. That’s never good.