Brain Boxes

I am procrastinating from the realm of productivity. And you know why? Because it’s hard.

Yeah, as it turns out, making databases and learning computer-y languages actually requires a whole load of effort.

And, since I was raised on television, I firmly believe that this is obviously just a minor blip that the universe hasn’t solved yet. There should be a montage to inspirational music right now, and by the end of it I’ll suddenly be a genius!

Maybe I just imbued that attitude from Buffy

Whatever, girl totally has a point:

But if that’s not actually going to happen, I’d also be happy with a reverse Weird Science-esque plot turn, where someone super smart bursts through the screen to do my homework for me. They don’t even have to be particularly pretty!

Here are ten of the cleverest characters from TV. If you can somehow facilitate any of them turning up and being brainy for me I will totally give you a cookie. A LARGE cookie.

Abed Nadir (Community)

Abed, Community

My appreciation of Community‘s Abed isn’t exactly a secret, but I worry that by focussing on how cool (cool, cool, cool) he is that I might be distracting (and detracting) from his smarts. Since he’s capable of making Kaufman-ish movies, spouting appropriate pop cultural references at any given moment and impersonating a computer to recall examples of pretty much anything I think his intelligence ought to be noted. A memory like that is impressive, whether it’s put to use analysing sitcoms or getting my homework done.

Sherlock (Sherlock Holmes)

This updated version of the Sherlock Holmes stories may have changed some elements (there’s smart phones all around, and the pesky smoking ban) but Sherlock’s sleuthing skills remain intact. He uses his impressive intellect to annoy people, solve cases and hit on naked women. While I respect these all as valid hobbies, I think his skills could be put to better use. Like ensuring that I pass my classes.

Topher Brink (Dollhouse)

Topher, Dollhouse

Topher seemed like an evil genius at first, capable of imprinting the actives of the Dollhouse with whatever personality was necessary for their engagements, and speedily too. Then he went and developed a pesky conscience, but that might at least lead him to wanting to do some pro bono work for me. Quite frankly I can’t see what all the fuss about the tech in this show was for, I’d quite like to be able to know how to do things without putting in the effort right about now.

Zack Addy (Bones)

Zack, Bones

Way back before she had a gaggle of squinterns to rotate, Dr Brennan had Zack. He was one of the few characters that she actually displayed respect for, given his high IQ, broad knowledge base and fantastic memory. He was supposedly incredibly logical, but that theory withered on the vine after he fell in with a cannibalistic cult. Since he’s now locked up in an asylum I think he’d relish the opportunity to keep himself entertained, so getting him to do my work would basically be a kindness. I’m such a good Samaritan.

Frank Devereaux (Supernatural)

Frank, Supernatural

This dude might seem a little crazy, but he’s got hidden talents. Among them, the ability to get Sam and Dean Winchester off-grid by producing fake documents, teaching them to hide, and (sadly) convincing them to get rid of their beloved car.  He even managed to teach Dean some cool tricks (like hacking into security feeds), much to Sam’s chagrin. And since I’m not quite as oblivious as Dean, I’m sure Frank would much prefer explaining things to me.

Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory)

Sheldon, BBT

Some people think Sheldon is abrasive, but they’re objectively wrong. In addition to providing untold amounts of entertainment, he’s also a super-smart former child prodigy. And he’s not crazy, his mother had him tested! Instead of putting up with annoying friends who are continually whining about their boring personal problems (and interrupting his attempts to, say, make fascinating YouTube videos about flags with witty titles) he should come hang out with me. And then get productive for me.

Cindy “Mac” Mackenzie (Veronica Mars)

Mac, Veronica Mars

This adorable, diminutive computer geek was essentially the Q to Veronica’s Bond, helping Ms Mars solve the mysteries that plagued the small town of Neptune, when she wasn’t screwing with people by designing purity tests or dating sociopaths anyway. I suspect that she had a strong narcissistic streak, given her love of anything Apple Mac and the fact that she ended up with someone who had practically the same name as her, but maybe I could use that to my advantage. If I pandered to her ego by pointing out how wise she is, why wouldn’t she want to prove it by finishing my assignments in record time? Hey, a girl can dream.

Gary Bell (Alphas)

Gary, Alphas

Gary’s special ability (in no way is Alphas an X-Men rip-off, ahem) is being able to see and mess with wireless communication signals. While this doesn’t make him quite as cool as the talking coffee machine, it is definitely a useful skill. I might have to convince him that my coursework is a top-secret and highly important government mission to get him to work on it for me, but I think the hassle of doing that would definitely be worth it.

Alec Hardison (Leverage)

Hardison is a hacker extraordinaire, and an integral part of the group’s success with their cons. He personally designed a lot of the technology that they use and is capable of much more, including accents, violin performances and strange romantic gestures. If he wasn’t willing to show off by working for me I’d just suggest that his nemesis Chaos would be better at the job and wait for my high-level reverse psychology to sink in. This show has taught me an awful lot about Machiavellian manipulation after all.

Willow Rosenberg (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Back in the ’90s Willow knew that nerds were in, and her contribution to Buffy’s Scooby gang was being able to hack into basically anything (at least when she wasn’t attracting demonic stalkers in chat rooms). She was one of the cleverest students in the school, scoring highly on tests, making the gang worry for her when a demon was roaming around looking for a fresh brain, and even filling in for a dead teacher at one point. Plus, this little witch could probably do a spell to make my assignments reveal their answers to me. Win, win.

Who are your favourite smartie pants from the televisual realm? And do you want to volunteer to impress me with your giant brain? Tell all in the comments!

5 thoughts on “Brain Boxes

  1. Wow, the first five there was basically a list of my favorite shows…totally made my day. But you missed the Doctor! Dude has all of space and time in his brain; he could probably handle your homework. =]

    • Gosh darnit now I feel like I’ve pissed off a potentially useful source….do you think he’d be magnanimous enough to help anyway?

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