You Can’t Always Get What You Want…

…but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

With those Rolling Stones lyrics in mind (and really, who wouldn’t want to take Mick Jagger and Keith Richards’ words seriously?) I’ve decided to use the Search Term Sunday this week to dispense some helpful advice.

Depraved googlers might not have realised that they were participating  in a Dear Abby-esque scenario, but the searches people perform in order to end up here are as weird, if not more so, than ever. And I’m not just talking about the appalling spelling.

My first suggestion would be that you eat an apple a day, and try not to end up looking like these guys.

Now onto the search terms, and resultant words of wisdom!

afternoon delight dessert

Your naivety is sweet, but worrying. You’re probably just not watching enough television, remedy that and surely you’ll soon be laughing at the same stuff as immature teenagers.

your highness topless

It’s Anglophilia gone mad! Stop fetishising English-ness immediately, and I’d give up on trying to find naked pictures of the Queen online to be honest.

sirano de berzerak

Your problem seems to be your spelling. Embrace the joys of autocorrect.

christina hendricks fakes

I suspect a rampant inferiority complex. Why don’t you feel that you deserve the real deal?

naked summer firefly

I’m concerned about your entomomania, and about the likelihood of you making tiny outfits for fireflies since you don’t seem to think they’re generally supposed to be naked.

Unless you meant the girl in the box in Firefly, in which case carry on. I can’t think of anything worrying about searching for unconscious naked teenage girls.

bing bang jew

Say the whole word!

And while we’re on the subject, don’t use the word ‘bing’, it’s offensive. I can suspend my disbelief for a lot- supernatural beings and so on- but I don’t think anyone will ever use the phrase “I binged it”.

girls dressed as troll dolls

That’s taking an obsession with dolls to exciting new heights.

It might be time for some creepy reverse immersion therapy to get over it:

filme porno buffay the vampire layer

Talk about stuck in the 90s. That joke’s been done to death. Watch anything that was made in the last five years, please.

katherine moennig dress sense

I understand that she’s a lesbian fashion icon, but that doesn’t mean that you need to mimic her. Celebrate your originality!  Believe in yourself! Dream on! Etc.

sheldon cooper is gay

You’re confusing fiction and reality. It’s time to spend less time watching The Big Bang Theory, and more time stalking Jim Parsons in person.

los angeles world map

California is not the centre of the world. It’s time to get out of your comfort zone. Play a load of these games until your world geography is better.

pervy faces all around

If you can’t find this on the internet, I think you must be searching wrong. Step away from the Bing.

fairies best night pics

Fairies aren’t real, give it up. They are pretty easy to fake though:

You could either create your own hoax, or pack it all in and watch True Blood instead.

mrs nosey

You’re being far too curious about Mr Nosey’s personal life. Learn to respect people’s privacy, tut.

i kissed a girl then i went to hell

This is either an example of homophobic self-loathing or a demand for a mash-up of the Katy Perry song with its Supernatural parody. I’m plumping for the latter.

But just in case it was the former: sit down, shut up and listen to Pixar:

jared padalecki from side

Why are you hating on his full face? Stare at it for a while, and think about what you’ve been doing wrong:

robin from how i met your mother looks different

You seem to have confused the google search bar with your twitter updates. Don’t drink and surf, it causes all kinds of problems.

expletives

Sounds like an anger management problem to me. Calm down and stop being so sensitive.

http://www.jensen ackles et jared padalecki sexe body big cock naked

I’m not entirely certain you understand what a URL is. The internet might be for porn, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t learn how to use it properly.

back of tv

You must be intensely dull, and clearly need to get out more… unless you happen to be a massive Streets fan who’s trying to explain how awesome a concept album A Grand Don’t Come For Free actually is.

“come up and see my etchings”

You’re a perv! That’s fine, you’ll fit in around here.

is that mavis cruet

Is what? This lack of focus makes me suspect ADHD.

miss man from scary movie

You do?

So watch it again. I promise not to judge.

suckerpunch emily legs

I don’t think you got the point of the film. Rewatch, and try to focus more on the outfits than the exposed flesh.

barney stinson bitch please

You sound eerily like me. Stop it, it’s freaking me out.

how you style your hair to look like simon in misfits

You have dreadful taste. Check yourself, before you wreck yourself! If you’ve got to take hair inspiration from Misfits, why not model yourself on Nathan? It’d be a nice homage since he’s now left the show. Sob.

where’s europe on a world map

Stop it, you’re going to make me cry.

“gay” “maid” “jack” “rosario” “marrying”

You seem a tad overly sceptical. Chill out with some Will & Grace until you stop being so suspicious.

drawings of the word barbie

Do you have a crippling fear of the word ‘logo’? It might be Naomi Klein time for you:

eyes

Looking for eyes? You have a well-developed sense of irony. Carry on, and keep yours peeled like oranges.

quinn pregnant glee

You are so behind the times. Season three’s already started for heaven’s sake! Keep up.

centauress four heels

You might want to pick just one kink (either mythical creatures or shoes) to focus on, or you may quickly find that you’ve explored everything that caters to this niche interest.

incest after coffee

Switch to tea?

getting through the glass ceiling

Watch this. Be happy.

what clothes does matilda wear in the roald dahl book and mara wilson sexy

Stop being so obsessed with Matilda’s appearance!

“submit a new story” inurl: bookmark

If you want to be a Playmate you can just ask.

emmanuel cirque nina dobrev look alike

I think you mean that Emmanuelle Chriqui, and not a Francophone male circus, looks like the Vampire Diaries star.

misanthropy in popular culuter 

Your spelling makes me feel that my hatred of people is entirely justified. Go play in some traffic or something.

in the afterlife: a chronicle of our experiences on the “other side”: direct personal life after death accounts by individuals o

You seem to be rambling, yet easily distracted. Are you stoned?

hotpants nude

You seem confused about what you want. Shorts or naked flesh? Make a decision OR at least include sensible operators in your search terms.

jensen ackles nude

Too much time online has warped your priorities. You don’t want to get him naked, you want to see him all cowboyed up: 

I hope you’ve all learnt something of value today, even if it’s just to appreciate our mascot Cowboy Jensen.